Thursday, August 18, 2011

hmmmm

it's closed now but 
the triad's dancing
the tears are on the edge of my eyes
but they're not falling
even though
you're on my mind
it's just a walk
and it all melts
away
if you want it to.

i commit myself to your needle
and the way
it sweetly tears my flesh
revel in the sun
revel in the mind
revel in the fact
i am my sun
stars
moon
one
among
many.

you want to hear a fairy tale
of sweet music in the night
how i followed you
to the ends of the universe
just to taste your tongue 
on my mouth
and to drown
in you

i did. 

then i awoke
alone
feeling my own flesh
and smelling my smell
and i was in love
how soft 
precious
and sacred
invincible
in my aloneness
timeless.

but your eyes follow me
and your presence 
surrounds me
i can feel your breath in my ear
your tongue on my cheek
no matter how 
i want you to leave
you cling
and pull
you dance 
seen before
stronger force
than any god.


a whirlwind 
tornado blowing
chills in the moonlight
his hallelujah
is my nightmare
of disappearing 
into you.


fighting
resisting
what if i fell
got into the pit
belly crawled
begged
at your feet do your best
the thought
makes me want to open my wrists
and bleed
till i couldn't feel anymore.


so the tears stay on the edge of my eyes
closed now 
into the universe
abides
stays
loving all
by loving no one
'come back down to earth'
she says
toes in the sand
when i'd rather stay in the clouds
blowing away into nothing


do you remember when it was easy
the light only stayed till 30
we were happy then
never had time to be sad
each minute 
cherished 
as they dropped all around us
we smiled 
waltzing in powder and paint
their concern
was not ours
we were untouchable
in stone and flowers
gardens
where no garden
should ever be
far from the cries
in the street
and the needing to be
then we sort of lost our heads
the many out weighing the needs of the few.
damn. adieu. 
it was fun while it lasted. 


i see you're making your way
with smiles
while i can't let go of the past
sleeping all the time
trying to get back
to something understood
failing to trust
i know what's best
failing to remember
it's just a dance, a promenade,
i can create, attract,
and bend;
to bring
what i need.


this time i don't want to
i'm tired of playing masquerade
tired of charades
tired of the 'toast before dying'
i carved your name into my wrist
to remind me
to be the wolf and not the prey
sweet rabbit run
very much strength
with very little effort
built the pyramids in a day.


i am a speck in all that there is
a dot at the end 
of a great design
with no design
chaos
well planned
with no plan
and the old man drives his car
past my window 
and i cringe
to be where he is.





Wednesday, August 10, 2011

sh

I wish I could pull out those files

bring back whatever was lost

find something in me

which mattered the most.


Cliche' death numb dumb lost.

Zombie, robot, walking talking undead.


I would strip my skin

to find what's underneath

but there's nothing there

it's all up here.


There was a pharmacy

a dimestore place to be

balls in cages

old men smelling of smoke and dirty jeans.


You look at me I see your eyes

for a moment

I'm in you

thinking with your thoughts.

There's always that sadness in the brightest smiles.

It resides just between the skull and hair

a band of memories

suppressed.


The old man walks by

I am a moment's glance

forgotten stance

not even tucked away.


But through his eyes

I watch him walk to his truck

there are many things to be thankful for

beer and a chair all that i need.


In the store there are many things

red. greens. browns,

Growling monsters behind the counter

who are you?

that you should want?

My reds my greens, my browns?

Nothing.

I am nothing.


Air flowing into space

with no substance

touching everything

touching nothing.

family pulls me along

as i stumble fumble fly.


Around a square table

booth style red tuffed with brass buttons

the poison of dripping green beans

and the litany of what is and what was

and why and because built a story of words

i was forced to live by.


That is because it is and it just is

No. It isn't.

I am the wind and I can read your mind.

Strange eyed and scraggly

unkempt hair and running with mangy dogs

all with men's names: ralph george lance

always something in the field important

to see to do

and the dogs knew it too.

Felt the energy of the trees

and the song of the grass

how the flowers looked at you

hidden secrets in a field.

bones and running streams.

Then you blew your bugle horn

and brought me in.


To wooden desks and a thousand eyes

soft pudgy legs

bows and lace

each with their own square table told

what is what isn't this is this this is that

the way you should be.

each one thinking they'd had it all

figured out because they had been told

exactly

confident eyes, downcast eyes, scared eyes

for the ones who hid

while the plates flew and the angry voices

put them in their place

no where when or why must create

their reality piece by piece without reference

with a base many builders can build

the easily led.



sh

I wish I could pull out those files
bring back whatever was lost
find something in me
which mattered the most.

Cliche' death numb dumb lost.
Zombie, robot, walking talking undead.

I would strip my skin
to find what's underneath
but there's nothing there
it's all up here.

There was a pharmacy
a dimestore place to be
balls in cages
old men smelling of smoke and dirty jeans.

You look at me I see your eyes
for a moment
I'm in you
thinking with your thoughts.
There's always that sadness in the brightest smiles.
It resides just between the skull and hair
a band of memories
suppressed.

The old man walks by
I am a moment's glance
forgotten stance
not even tucked away. 

But through his eyes
I watch him walk to his truck
there are many things to be thankful for
beer and a chair all that i need.

In the store there are many things
red. greens. browns,
Growling monsters behind the counter
who are you?
that you should want?
My reds my greens, my browns?
Nothing.
I am nothing.

Air flowing into space
with no substance
touching everything
touching nothing.
family pulls me along
as i stumble fumble fly.

Around a square table
booth style red tuffed with brass buttons
the poison of dripping green beans
and the litany of what is and what was 
and why and because built a story of words
i was forced to live by.

That is because it is and it just is 
No. It isn't.
I am the wind and I can read your mind.
Strange eyed and scraggly
unkempt hair and running with mangy dogs
all with men's names: ralph george lance 
always something in the field important
to see to do
and the dogs knew it too.
Felt the energy of the trees
and the song of the grass
how the flowers looked at you
hidden secrets in a field.
bones and running streams.
Then you blew your bugle horn
and brought me in.

To wooden desks and a thousand eyes
soft pudgy legs
bows and lace
each with their own square table told
what is what isn't this is this this is that
the way you should be.
each one thinking they'd had it all
figured out because they had been told
exactly
confident eyes, downcast eyes, scared eyes
for the ones who hid
while the plates flew and the angry voices
put them in their place
no where when or why must create
their reality piece by piece without reference
with a base many builders can build
the easily led.



Monday, August 1, 2011

Not about beer

I love you. 
You make me happy two at a time
I would move heaven and earth
just to have you near me tonight.
but you're here and I have 12 of you. 
12.I feel like a mega god

just all to myself. 
Shit now my mind wanders to mega nerd
his lips curl up in a triangle 
where no triangle should ever be
he carries his lowdown opinion 
with his head down and the back of his neck showing
surrendering to decapitation.
Guillotine 
sorry dude but that is so 17 century.

As above so below
so inside so without.
No he said I'm a litany of innovation
with a brain to build a monument to my misgivings
in here 
all energy
you don't know me.
take away my body
and I am Einstien world government
and god watchmakers and imagining the real.

Sorrry I stepped into your universe
but at first I didn't care to care
because it was an ugly universe
and all I felt was pain
and hours minutes days a waiting game
to step into the new.
No they smile with their keep warm carry ins
and it's okay you know god takes care of everyting girl
you just put your life in gods hands and ask the forgiveness of the lord
accept jesus christ as your personal savior
and you can fuck up as much as you want
and get away with it
he is building his mansion and in it there are many rooms.
the universe shatters into so many compartments
Would you provide the carry in if I told you
it's all a lie we are and will always be pure energy?
I always liked green bean casserole.
Hmmm...so many universes so many stacked top to bottom in quadrants
paper thin 
I see them in my mind all it's all connected yet separate
geometric lines in the form of an incomplete prism.
Big debates with my uncle Charlie
he was a staunch fundamentalist christian.
I told him after he dies to contact me so I can say 
I told you so.
I see him every so often with wisened eyes and a bit of a smile
no one likes to be duped
but hey i told him so.
Oh btw he's dead, sort of.
There is no cease to be there is only change
from one form to another
even a nuke
would just change one thing to something else
nothing ever really disappears
its just not there 
ha ha which is actually a place.
Think about not there
the opposite of there which is a place
therefore not there is actually a place to be too.

I can see not there 
look you can see it too
it's empty and not there.
SO universe expands out to no where or not there
if there is a center of all the universes 
it would just be pulled back to the beginning which is
a single dot of massive energy.
but where is the center?
and what force could cause a reflux or bringing back?
It would have to be something unheard of.
Not centrifugal then just pulled back through
hmm maybe through every worm whole the universe would 
continually be pulled and pushed
to where it did not contract
but just folded into itself like a cardboard box.

hmm i think more like a clay ball
where the worm holes sucking and pulling
each universe into a massive block
they don't quit causing connections
till the push and pull continues in a loop
making a large blob which disappears into itself.
what if?
what if?
what if?


Why can't I wear an apron and smile?
make delicious dinners
open my door
love and respect
with something to believe.
Do the dishes and relax in front of the tv
everything in its place a place for everything.

I guess it's cause I'm insane I guess. fuck.




This has nothing to do with beer

she

 Where did the orchid go?
Please get me off your mind
I'm chained by your wants
your places to be.

I don't want to go there
it's raining here
the water cascades down the wall
across the carpet and pools
into koi ponds with rocks and reeds
the frogs have started croaking
the music fills the room.
Then the stream flows through
and I try to dance but the wooden desks
are crushing me day by day.
I am so wrong.
nothing i think is right
The dragon is here
wrapping his red spiked arms around me
crushing and drooling
demanding
he knows better I shrug him off.
but the mirrors never stop
and I can't look myself in the eyes.





Wish

I wish I could pull out those files
bring back whatever was lost
find something in me
which mattered the most.

Cliche' death numb dumb lost.
Zombie, robot, walking talking undead.

I would strip my skin
to find what's underneath
but there's nothing there
it's all up here.

There was a pharmacy
a dimestore place to be
balls in cages
old men smelling of smoke and dirty jeans.

You look at me I see your eyes
for a moment
I'm in you
thinking with your thoughts.
There's always that sadness in the brightest smiles.
It resides just between the skull and hair
a band of memories
suppressed.

The old man walks by
I am a moment's glance
forgotten stance
not even tucked away. 

But through his eyes
I watch him walk to his truck
there are many things to be thankful for
beer and a chair all that i need.

In the store there are many things
red. greens. browns,
Growling monsters behind the counter
who are you?
that you should want?
My reds my greens, my browns?
Nothing.
I am nothing.

Air flowing into space
with no substance
touching everything
touching nothing.
family pulls me along
as i stumble fumble fly.

Around a square table
booth style red tuffed with brass buttons
the poison of dripping green beans
and the litany of what is and what was 
and why and because built a story of words
i was forced to live by.

That is because it is and it just is 
No. It isn't.
I am the wind and I can read your mind.
Strange eyed and scraggly
unkempt hair and running with mangy dogs
all with men's names: ralph george lance 
always something in the field important
to see to do
and the dogs knew it too.
Felt the energy of the trees
and the song of the grass
how the flowers looked at you
hidden secrets in a field.
bones and running streams.
Then you blew your bugle horn
and brought me in.

To wooden desks and a thousand eyes
soft pudgy legs
bows and lace
each with their own square table told
what is what isn't this is this this is that
the way you should be.
each one thinking they'd had it all
figured out because they had been told
exactly
confident eyes, downcast eyes, scared eyes
for the ones who hid
while the plates flew and the angry voices
put them in their place
no where when or why must create
their reality piece by piece without reference
with a base many builders can build
the easily led.